Dear K, a realisation! It's all about security. I feel now like I felt back at the beginning of seeing you. I feel like I'm searching for you. Like I can't find you. Like I want more and more from you. Like I need more. I feel restless and on edge. I feel insecure. It took time to build up trust and connection and eventually I got to a place of real security with you, but then the bomb went off didn't it. And now we are still in the fallout. I am still in the fallout. God knows where you are! I seriously wish you could have found a way to talk to me about this, over the years. I wish you had made time for this in our last meeting. I wish (in a way) that I hadn't told you not to reply to that email I sent you. I feel like in the coming months it will be time to write to you again, and I think I need to ask what we are doing here. I think we need to have a serious conversation about this, no matter the outcome.