I slept five hours last night, even with 100mg of seroquel. I was agitated and angry as soon as I woke up. I did go to work, and it was indeed a mistake. I got more and more angry as the day went on.

I took Xanax immediately when I got there because I knew there was no way to contain it except through meds. It kept me from needing to pace and wring my hands and it allowed me to keep my mouth in check. It wore off though by lunch and I was absolutely FURIOUS by the time I left. I breathed deploy on the drive home and made a conscious effort to not drive like a huge a-hole. I kept it between 80-85mph which I never ever do but I wasn’t aggressive at least.

I took 50mg seroquel as soon as I walked in the door and had my session with my therapist. I admitted that I wasn’t sure I could take it for much longer. I do have another appt with pdoc on Thursday and I wanted to talk to her today but wouldn’t you know the one time I wasn’t holding my phone and it wasn’t face up on my desk was when she called!!!! I missed the call and it was already 3:20 and I had to gtfo of work to get home in time for therapy.

I was gonna call her back but I’m afraid she’s going to more forcefully recommend IP.

I just happened to have a meeting with my supervisor (we all did). She had seen me in the hallway and I didn’t look good I guess because she immediately asked me if I was ok. During our meeting she asked how my mental health was and I really don’t give af right now so I straight up said in the trash. She gave me the employee assistance program resources. She also assured me that I wasn’t going to get fired over my poor attendance. Fact Is it’s all due to either my son being banned from school because of Covid exposure or my own medical appointments. There’s only a few times that I didn’t mention why I took off or it was personal, not medical. She said my overall score won’t be top notch and therefore I may only get a small raise but like I said, idgaf right now.

I don’t think this is sustainable. I think if the rest of the week goes as ****** as today did I’m going to have to admit defeat and go into IOP. SUCKS SO MUCH because I LIKE my job, I like being there when I’m stable, it provides distraction when I’m mildly or even moderately struggling, but I am struggling severely at this point. I need a med change right now and I’ve been lucking out that my pdoc has been having cancellations so I’m able to get in more often, but if she doesn’t it’s a 2-3 week wait at least.