Thank you for sharing your story here, @MuseumGhost about your narcissistic younger sister, in such detail.

I face the same difficulty as you - how to think about my sister. I won't forgive her for all that she's done to me either. I'm not one of those people who views "forgiveness" as much of a useful too. It's actually healthy to maintain boundaries with someone who has wronged you. I don't need to give my sister a "pass" to feel better about myself. I view "forgiveness" as letting someone off the hook, then rationalizing it as the right thing to do -- which it's actually not.

I will learn to let go of the decades of emotional abuse that I experienced from my sister by giving myself closure; by healing myself internally which does not in any way, include "forgiving" my sister.

So, I need to find a new association for my sister when I think about her, that allows me to stay detached and not stuck in the past. Your courage, @MuseumGhost gives me hope that I can also become enlightened to my sister's pathology and completely separate from her, despite the fact that I love her children as their aunt.

Of course, I will need to mourn those relationships because they were not allowed to fully develop and remain stunted by my sister's gaslighting behavior. For example, when my nephew told me he made the varsity hockey team over the phone, I told him how excited I was for him and that I would love to go watch one of his games. He had no response except to say, "here's my mom."

I found out that my brother goes to my nephew's hockey games with my sister and her husband and that's where they socialize. (I've been estranged from my brother for ten years I think it is now.) My nephew is also on antidepressants and he's only 17. Then there's my niece of course, who is following in her mother's footsteps with her arms-length behavior with me.

I wish I could rewind time and go back to when I was 18. I would have left my family and never looked back. My life would probably have been 100% healthier and who knows what it would look like now. But that's not the path I took then. So, now, I have to take that path and estrange myself 100% from my sister and her entire family, for my own well-being.

If my sister and niece actually liked/respected/cared about me, then my sister would have initiated contact with me from the country she visited her daughter at; possibly text me photos of the two of them standing in front of famous landmarks or eating meals, smiling, or FaceTiming me. But that's not the reality of how my sister's vacation abroad went.

My niece has broken every promise she's ever made to me about socializing with me, and I already wrote about how she treated me when I arranged for flowers to be delivered to her abroad for her birthday. She claimed to me this week she'd find a time to FaceTime with me to catch me up on her life abroad. More false promises on her part plus she's 21 and a 21 year old's promise is about as reliable as a lifeguard with ADD.

Then today, of all days, (my sister returned from her trip today), the memory care nursing home director sent out an email to memory care caregivers of the residents, to ask everyone to sign a legal document stating who is the legal contact for the memory care resident. I texted my sister to ask her to call me to discuss this, since legally only one family member can be the legal designated contact. No response, of course. I don't know if she was still on the plane when I sent the text or asleep from jet lag at home, or what.

I need to get a support system in place and a plan for when I permanently estrange myself from my sister.