Therapy this morning was difficult. Still not feeling quite here. Been tough these last few weeks or so. Having awful vivid visions at night when I’m sat on the toilet and feel like I’m being watched (part of what was happening in my past). The visions appear to show things like bugs, snakes (all things that are not actually in my toilet), and I’d somehow managed to get stuck in my head. Feeling lost now.

One big struggle at the moment is saying the words like genitalia specifically. I’ve said to my therapist that I keep struggling with those and then not able to finish what I was saying. So today tried talking about it, she was saying all the words and I felt mortified. So cringy. I don’t know what’s causing such embarrassment. I’m not a prude and can say the words to my partner. I think it’s because it’s somehow sexualising me to/for her? By saying that, it’s like I’m somehow opening up to her sexually or something. Of course that’s not the case. For a long time it was all I felt good for. And that was once unsafe and so now, again, I’m finding that while nothing is happening anymore, I’m still feeling unsafe. I keep losing time. I keep losing myself. And almost like ‘wake up’ and have lost time. I don’t have alter egos or other identities but do dissociate more than I ever realised.

I ******* hate it. I hate how my life is full of these moments where I’m stuck. It bothers me that I can’t say what I need to. It’s frustrating.