I took off tomorrow. I can’t be my best self at work right now. I got so mad with two students arguing and being disrespectful that *I* stormed out and slammed the door. I took a quick lap around the hallway to calm down, but that is not acceptable behavior on my part. Not at all. Especially because these two girls are now keeping a time stamped log of everything we, the staff, do that they consider disrespectful to THEM, and they are straight up lying, trying to get us fired (jerks stupidly left the notebook in class so we read it because we knew they were being suspicious). I know my behavior today was out of line and it’s not fair on all of the students. But I have a very tenuous grasp on my self control inside and outside of work right now.

I see pdoc again tomorrow and I don’t think it’s going to go well. I think we’ve reached the end of the line here with outpatient and now I need a higher level of care. It’s so hard not to be disappointed in myself. I don’t want to return to my previous program so soon, it’s humiliating. And my family is going to find out…I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t get my head back on straight.

I know I need to show myself some compassion though. It’s really not my fault that this is happening. I’ve been doing all I can and it’s just not working. It’s not like the past when I would go off meds or refuse to use coping skills. Im using every coping skill at my disposal and they just aren’t working. The best I can do right now is stay home and take PRNs to sedate myself enough to be calm. Well, calmer.