Since I was a pre-teen I felt empty, something wasn't right. But I didn't care at all, I thought this was normal for someone of my age. That was the first and a huge mistake. Even my subconscious told me that I was wrong: at the age of 15, I had my first panic attack. I need to aclare that I always was a nervous, insecure kid. Nothing wrong or really bad, I could actually deal with that, if I didn't make the mistake of ignoring my feelings. Back to my anxiety story, I became agoraphobic and paranoiac. I told to my parents about this, and what did they do? They humiliated me, saying that I was really stupid to feel like that. I remember crying so much, feeling like dying of the panic, fear and the void.

My response of this was truly stupid, I hid myself of the anxiety, and I appeared to be strong whenever my parents asked how it was my day. I avoided going out to parties, going to the cinema, or even if I would go alone, I didn't do it.

This leads to the second mistake. Of course I was alone, locked up to my house, and because of my loneliness I started to create my ideal social world. I started daydreaming, I was always in my mind. This state made me clumsy, absent-minded, apathetic and lonelier than ever, as I ran away from my problems and reality itself. I honestly don't know how I survived high school. I don't know how did I get to the Uni. But I think that I was, all of this years, in autopilot. The real me was hiding in my "special place".

When the pandemic happened, my subconscious forced me to open my eyes, and see the reality I was. It made me feel completely lost, more afraid than ever. I didn't have fear of dead, but to my future. I discovered that all this years were a lie, my OWN LIE. I usually blamed it on others, society, humanity, etc.

I escaped reality, but now I have my eyes open. Still with fears, feeling like an idiot, because I was so egoist that I believed my own lie.

Now, I am going to tell to my parents about this, I don't care if they get mad, or if they kick me out of the house. My goal is to find my own way to live like we are supposed to do, feeling peace, motivated and loving myself.

But if you can give me advices, I will be so thankful reading them. Thanks to paying attention of my revelation of the cause of my depression.