I just spent 5 days at a very natural beach with my three boys and a bunch of friends (mine and theirs). We just played on the beach for the first two days and then went to a 4H center for an environmental education program for the last three.

Before I left, I was REALLY anxious. I had been working through trauma stuff with T and just had a lot of anxiety. I was all messed up - my eating disorder was flaring up, I was having to take xanax....I was able to function and get through the day, but I just was feeling bad. Right before I left, I e-mailed T about three times and then left a phone message while I was driving to the beach - just a lot of anxiety about everything.

The thing is, time outside ALWAYS makes me feel better. Tent camping is when I feel the best, in fact. So, this beach vacation, where I was outside all day every day, in the sand and surf and forest and marsh (we were on an island)...it just made me feel WORLDS better.

I have T on Tuesday and I really, really don't want to go. In fact, I'm tempted to quit T altogether. I don't WANT to go back and start this stuff again. I don't WANT to need him. I don't WANT to be lost in transference. I don't know what to do. Before I started T, I was really sick for about a year....and I know it was from emotional stuff - unprocessed traumas, etc. I've felt physically healthy since starting T, and I don't want to be sick again. But right now, after this vacation, I feel independent and healthy and strong.

I think part of it is that I was SO NEEDY right before I left. I don't like me when I'm needy. I don't want to need T. I think part of why I don't want to go back is to say "look at me, I don't need you after all".

Has anyone felt like this? What did you do?