So. I stayed home from work. Dosed myself with seroquel and Xanax repeatedly but still SH, because it had to be done, I cannot resist my brain even though it is separate from myself and I can usually keep it under control.

I have no control over my behavior. I saw my pdoc and she strongly recommended IP but said if I really didn’t wish to go I had to go to an IOP. So I called the IOP I was in before. Well, they don’t have an intake appt available until March 9 and I won’t be able to start until two weeks after that. So a month before I’d get any help.

That leaves me with trying to struggle through work because I clearly can’t be left home alone, or going IP.

RS and I have spent hours talking about it. Neither of us wants me IP. We don’t want to be away from each other (including my son for me). However I was honest with him. Based on my behavior at work yesterday, and my behavior at home today, neither place is going to be a viable option for the next month. In fact, due to my habit of pushing myself to the breaking point before going IP, I will likely end up there anyway AFTER I’ve seriously hurt myself in some way.

I told RS that there’s no point in going tomorrow. The regular IP doctors are not there on weekends so I would be wasting my time getting no Help. RS Is going to stay home with me tomorrow and then it’s Saturday when both my boys are home so I won’t be alone then either. If I am still out of control by Sunday RS will take me to the ER Sunday afternoon where I will likely be admitted (I swear at this point they just see my name come through and automatically admit me before even talking to me!). It is a painful decision but I absolutely cannot continue like this for another month. I will seriously hurt myself. Possibly worse, if only accidentally. At least I’ll have time to say a proper goodbye to my son to reassure him that I’ll be ok and I’ll be seeing him soon.

I know how I feel within a half hour of waking up so I’ll know pretty immediately on Sunday whether I’m still feeling agitated and angry.