Thanks to everyone for all your support. I’m still agonizing in my head about whether going IP is the right decision. I keep saying the same things over and over to RS, not to convince him, but to convince myself. I was waffling today because I felt ok, but it was only because RS was there to distract me. I still jumped up twice because I was so agitated and uncomfortable and announced I was leaving (just to gtfo) and RS said he was going to go with me, wherever I went. We went to Trader Joe’s which was more aggravating than it should have been, I figured in the middle of the day on a Friday it wouldn’t be that busy but I was wrong. I realized that if RS wasn’t with me I would be so mad I would have driven home unsafely and remained in a heightened state of anger and agitation.

He also took us out to dinner after I said I couldn’t go home on the way to pick up my son from school.

I know in my heart that this is the right decision. My pdoc and my therapist both agreed, and neither one of them recommends IP lightly. They also know me very well and know the lengths I might go to before someone has to force me in.

I called the access center to the hospital I wish to go to and they told me it does sound like I need IP (another country heard from) but they have no space right now and to call back Monday morning. I wasn’t going to go until Sunday afternoon anyway. So if they still have no beds available on Monday morning I’ll just go to the psych ER and they’ll find me somewhere to go.

My therapist said she was proud of me. I’ve been with her for nearly seven years and this is the first time ever I have decided to put myself first and be proactive.

It’s still hard but I know I can’t be safe either home or at work and unless I can start a php immediately (I can’t) this is the way it has to be.

We are going to have a fun weekend together and I’ll be able to sit my son down and tell him myself, and say goodbye to him so he sees that I am ok. It’s much better than dropping him off at school and just never coming back for him.I know he’ll be upset but he knows it’s not me, it’s my brain.

I’ll try not to come here and repeat myself over and over. I know you all have my best interests at heart as well.

Thanks everyone.