I have to be sober and take all meds as prescribed.

But the schizophrenia messes with everything.. I know too much. My mind is naturally set to pain/dysphoria more than a regular person. Knowing about psychedelics, my atheism changing to panentheism, etc.. The deep state, propaganda, trauma and gaslighting from abuse/neglect in isolation, being sensitive to people lying to me/mistrust, no desire for intimate relationships, being freaked out by reality, hidden meanings, connectivity, coincidences, etc.

I'm not supposed to be in this reality - Although I could change that thought and make any destiny etc.

I'll think about recovering when I'm fully sober and on the right med.. My treatment team just never trusted me. Now they do - and I have people that will work with me instead of trying to control/have power over me. I hate people's egos, twitter, the ****ing arguing and meaninglessness, mindlessness. I can't take it. Every day really does feel like torture.