Last night I was really struggling with the idea of going off my testosterone. I was worried about getting a female body shape again. Also I felt like I wouldnt truly be transtioning without hormones. At the same time I knew my anxiety and moods would be a lot better plus mainly my blood work just is not good even at the small dose I am on. I was so conflicted I contacted my doctor this morning and asked if I would get fat redistribution mainly to my hips. He replied back almost instantly and said he can not guarantee but since I did have the surgery and I don't have estrogen in me anymore so the chances of me developing hips are slim. He told me to just try going without the testosterone for 3 months and if something comes up I can talk to him and we can discuss things.

So I guess that makes me feel better. The idea of getting rid of this crippling anxiety and mood swings is amazing. I just don't like the idea of my transtion being on hold for 3 months or the idea of any possible physical setbacks.

But anxiety wise things have been tough today. I've been limiting my caffeine but drinking sparkling water and I dont know if the brand I'm drinking has caffeine. I went to get my haircut and so did my mom and I was done before her and there were a few people waiting. A man came in and then a weekly emergency test alert came on the radio. The guy mentioned something about Putin and seemed alarmed. Then he sat down. Right as my mom was paying a lady came rushing in I assume his mom and started hugging him and talking about sirens and alerts and Russia and the man was in full panic attack mode and just hystrerical. I couldnt tell if he had PTSD and the test triggered him or maybe he has family in the Ukraine. I was wondering if maybe something really big had happened. But it was really sad seeing how distressed he was.

I am avoiding the news as much as I can. I have my trip Thursday and am coming back Saturday and then I have my sister and her family coming over Sunday and Monday and then after that I'll probably have a tough few days or week when the testosterone is getting out of my system. But after all that stuff is done I hope things start to calm down for me.