Dear T,
I really appreciate your saying it was OK to think those things about having to step up during H's surgery.

Though in terms of how I was discussing housework, all I could think was how you probably wouldn't put up with that if you were married to me. I mean, obviously that would not ever be a concern. And you were clearly trying to be like, "As long as it works for a couple, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks" and focusing on the effort part. And I remember what you said ages ago (back when you rarely disclosed) about your wife having ADHD and your understanding that many tasks require much more effort from her than they do for you, and you consider the effort she put in, not the end result. So maybe I thought you'd mention that here?

But I also know it's not about what *you* think is OK, it's what H thinks. But of course I worry about what he thinks. And I'm judging myself. So maybe this part of me wanted you to say, "I'd be completely understanding if it was my wife in that circumstance." Or "If my wife had to have surgery, I'd be anxious about having to do everything, too." Though I sort of get the vibe that maybe you do most stuff anyway (including being the main breadwinner, though of course I have no idea what she does--except that she's not a therapist, because you said that once, in explanation of why you don't talk to her about your work--or what she earns, and I'd never ask). Though I suppose she's had to step up before when you've been injured or out of town.

I think maybe it just jumped out at me that you've disclosed more lately and also put yourself more into things lately (in the sense of your feelings), but today you didn't. Which is fine, but I think it's just jarring (that's probably not the right word) at times when you go from sharing your own stuff/feelings vs. "for some couples I've counseled...." But it also wouldn't have been helpful if you were like, "I would say to my wife, 'Just do the damn dishes!'"

Hm...or were you perhaps trying to be really careful in talking about taking care of a spouse/stepping up because of ex-MC's situation with his wife? OK, I just thought of that...and you referenced him recently in regard to why you didn't share certain things so maybe that's part of it....

It's not really that important, honestly--I'd much prefer the empathy and greater openness (including emotionally) regarding parenting than marriage.

Love,

LT