Really confused today I'm not cycling or however it is spelled but I am going from happy to depressed today. People keep telling mw to think of the happy and good times I had with my wife. Well at first I am happy then bam I'm crying cause I know I will never have good times with her anymore. I can say the depression is not as bad now as it was in the beginning cause I actually don't remember the first couple of months. The only thing I remember is the day she passed which was 11/18/21 and 12/18/21 which was the day my dad came over with some groceries for me and made me go to the er cause I was really sick but that day is also when I quit smoking cigarettes and weed but somewhere between those couple of months I lost 61 pounds in like the first 2 months I was totally starving myself and doing nothing but drinking coffee and I don't remember.
I know things will get a little better but I am inpatient with how long it will take. The thing is I know my wife would be pissed off at me for how I treated myself but I know she is happy with how I have been taking care of myself now. It has been like 2 weeks now that I have been back on all my medications and taking them twice a day and not missing a dose. I started eating again and I have put on like 5 pounds and I am actually happy with that I have been over weight since I was a kid and the weight loss does not bother me except for how physically ill I was. I mean when I started eating food again I would actually split up a container of yogurt into 2 meals lol. I am pretty much back on a normal diet.
My daughter and I had a real rough past and we would always fight but through all this she did a 180 and has been my number one supporter and our relationship is going pretty good right now. I signed her and I up for the grief share program and we both like it. I have agreed to go and do some therapy with her and her counselor but I told her that it will take some time before I can go into it and she is okay with that but I promised her I would go in with her.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent even though I am doing some therapy a couple of times a week I am really struggling to talk about my wife right now cause I almost start crying as soon as I start talking about her. I did open up the other day about some of my struggles in the grief share group without crying so that is saying something.