(Sorry this is so long, first two paragraphs are just disclaimers)
First off I should mention it’s been over three months since I last truly self harmed. And second I want to say upfront to anyone still struggling to quit, because believe me I get how hard it can be, that I don’t want what this post is about to dissuade you from trying to stop.
Don’t let the little malicious voice in your head say “this guy is still struggling after months sober, you’ll never be free.” Because that’s not true, I am better off and everyone’s recovery is different.

With that out of the way, I suppose I just wanted to rant/ ask for advice. I won’t go into the whole story, but the reasons I SHed were hatred I felt for my body, not due to dysmorphia or anything, but for a chronic pain disorder I suffer from that I at the time didn’t under stand.
On that note, I wanted a pain I could control. I was able to choose when and where I SHed, unlike the sore inflammation that came in fiery waves.
Once I started seeing my therapist, having to check in with her weekly really helped me get into the right mindset for stopping for good.
The only issue is, the urges still persist. The good news is they’ve weakened, and like I said I’ve been able to resist them. Bur it’s really hard having my mind try and rush me to hurting myself when we I perceive that I failed. I’ve conditioned myself to want pain whenever I feel I’m too unintelligent, lazy, or weak, to get past some obstacle I face.
I know I can’t just wish maladaptive mindsets away, but hell man, really wish this wasn’t an entity I let grow in my head. my therapist talks a lot about cognitive reframing, I think that may be important

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