I've been feeling a simmering anger this morning as well as frazzled. It started when - and this is a really stupidly small thing but I guess I feel strongly about it - I checked facebook, and this guy I'm friends with from a group were both in, posted that the way to overcome russian aggression is to go electric. I don't disagree. What pisses me off is that this guy is super rich, and doesn't have to worry about the cost of buying an electric car. I can't afford one. My parents need a new car right now and they can't afford one either. I decided to unfollow him. He doesn't post much and I like him as a person, but I don't have to look at **** on FB that upsets me. I wanted to respond to it, if even on my own page. But I felt too nervous about conflict. I feel really uncomfortable sometimes, putting my true and real and authentic thoughts on facebook. So then I felt stifled and stuck, which was uncomfortable.


THEN, my ****ing aunt who lives across the ****ing country and barely talks to me (and I've honestly felt...in a sense, abandoned by her...she was never really interested in having a relationship with me or my brothers...) texts me: "don't forget not to eat meat on fridays during lent!" I ended up texting her back the truth: "I'm not a practicing catholic." She messaged me three texts after that saying that I should reconsider my faith, that her father (my grandfather who died when I was a baby) "was Ukrainian and just because you're not practicing your faith, you should pray for them."


I was livid. How dare she judge me and bring family and Ukraine into this just to judge me. I was so hurt. I did write back to her. I told her not to bring family and Ukraine into her judgment of my religious choices. I also told her to talk to my dad (her brother) because he also isn't a practicing catholic.


I mean really, what the ****.


I was in the process here, of just writing "I'm not sure what to do," but that has an air of "should" to it. What I want to do is to let this cool. She did text me back and I refuse to read it right now. This type of thing is not a good thing to text about. Conflict like this needs a phone call, and honestly I'm not interested at this time.


I have been conditioned, and taught, from somewhere, that my anger is bad. That my reaction to other people in my anger is bad. That I need to apologize after I say something in anger. I think some of this honestly comes from bad (but well meaning) therapy, and society / the way females are conditioned and socialized. I also think I probably used niceness as a shield so people would be nice back to me and like me. Truthfully, I think sometimes we go to far in our anger, and sometimes we don't and its justified, and its up to us to discern. For some reason its sometimes hard for me to discern.


I say that, because I will likely feel an urge to apologize after this, and I don't think I need to. This woman is a *****. She is controlling. She talks a lot. And thats not to say......that our relationship was bad. It was good. For Christmas, she gave me some really cool aprons. She always thinks of me on my birthday and on Christmas. She sends me a card with a 20 in it. We sometimes send short texts to each other. I think I just lost it after reading what she wrote to me and I was already feeling prickly.


I want to handle this differently. Right now I will give this some time. A phone call, well, I prefer, but we aren't close and...she talks a LOT. And I ALWAYS fall into the groove of listening. Once she talked non-stop on the phone to me for 1.5 hours. I just sat there listening and saying "uh huh" and it was draining. Also.......growing up, I was so conditioned to be passive with everyone, including her. I don't know if I will know how to not do that with someone from my past who I have a history of behaving a certain way with for so long. She is super rude sometimes and it surprises me. Once I called her and she picked up and said "Talk fast I'm about to leave the house." I said I'd call her back. But it really is very jarring. I don't know if a phone call with her is something I want to go through. Maybe its not worth it to me.


Anyway, I guess now I'm just putting this in a box to deal with when I feel able to. But maybe I don't have to deal with it. I don't know what she said in her response text. If it was mean, I can ignore it and vent to my parents. If it was nice, which I'm not sure about, then problem solved.