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Originally Posted by qwerty68
I haven't posted here in a very long time, so I am sure no one remembers me. This isn't really a question more than a request for insight.
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Okay. My own insight is, she likes drama and fluff, and isn't really real. Anything online is going to be unreal, and often outright dangerous. Date IRL, not online. Don't bother spending time let alone talk intimately online with anyone who you don't know very well IRL already. This is true regardless of this woman being in a far away country, which just makes it all even more dangerous.
Why it's outright dangerous: it's dangerous to emotional and psychological well-being, even if you don't get cheated out of money or other problems. Intimacy online is *not* real intimacy. Moreover, many people online can and will lie about anything, as just sometimes meeting in person is very, very far from enough. So as soon as one lie gets in there, you can sit all day trying to figure out how all it adds up. It will never add up, pointless to try. I mean, if you have a few years to waste on trying to find all the lies, maybe you can identify some of the actual lies but it's not worth the time spent on it.
Wanting to do relationships online indicates escape from the discomfort with intimate relationships in real life. Work on that and yes I agree with the other posts in here that say work on your own sense of self-worth. The rest will sort itself out from there.
IMO, to work on your sense of self-worth, first disentangle from all the drama of this woman. Identify any pieces that affected your self-worth, anything that lowered it, your image of yourself and made your emotions lower and more negative. Then work on not believing in those pieces anymore. Get rid of the whole limerence thing (look up limerence and how to get rid of that! There are actual methods and lots of advice for it out there). Then work on moving on from it all.
Another read of mine on all this....it may be true or may not be. But, what I think is, this woman did not affect your real feelings and emotions enough for you to fight for her. Only affected your fantasy based emotions and limerence. That's actually good news. Because she just was not REAL enough.
53 is young enough nowadays, you can find a very nice, and REAL woman to be with.
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Some specifics:
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A while after that, she admits that she is trying to get a job transfer to Poland or Italy so she "can be one step closer to you."
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Drama without real action
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A few weeks later, I crashed my bicycle and fractured 7 bones. I tell her about it when I am in the hospital. They kept me a few days due to intermittently blanking out. The morning after the wreck, she asked how I am doing, and we briefly talk.
I do not hear from her again for 11 months.
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No concern for your well-being
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She comes back because she saw that I posted pictures of my new dog. We talked 2 or 3 times, mostly about the dog. She ignores any personal questions at all and disappears again.
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Bad big red flag, she ignored personal questions and disappeared again. That's NOT a real relationship.
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In early January, while I had spent the past few months watching my dad slowly die, she messages out of the blue. She sends me an alarming message: "I am standing on the 16th floor, and I want to jump. I have nowhere to go. And I don't know what to do. It's scary. But no other way out."
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Did you respond to that at all?
I wouldn't have after she didn't bother whatsoever about my well-being.
It was again drama, of course. To get your attention and then idk what, maybe get some help from you to take advantage of you.
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I sent a message to one of her friends who knows about me and spent weeks searching newspaper and social media reports from her area. The only thing that I found is that it appears she is now married. I have proof that she was not when we spent time together.
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Yeah, not surprising. It all makes the earlier drama sound even more suspect.
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I really just want her to be happy, so as long as she met someone new and nice. I can't really ask for much more than that for her. I would genuinely be happy for her. It is not even 100% sure that she is married. It was all in Russian, which I am bad at.
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Limerence
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If she is married, or even not, why would I be the one that she sent that message to? What could I do to help? Does that mean anything?
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Limerence & this is in the past now & was likely a dramatic lie.
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She told me several times that she would always come back to me, but I have no idea why she vanishes.
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If you asked why and she didn't answer then I would advise you to never talk to her again. To get rid of limerence too, it helps introduce full-on No Contact.
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Yeah, she is awful with communication, which is odd because we could talk for 6-8 straight and never run out of things to talk about.
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No, she's not "awful" with communication. She's just self-centered or even selfish, no real attention on you. So she doesn't bother with putting the time and energy and effort into communication with you.
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I can't even begin to describe the pain that I have been in the last few years. I can not block her or yell at her. Yes, I am angry, but I am not the type to lash out. What's the point? I would lose her and be 100% alone.
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You would lose a fantasy. Not a real woman.
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She is literally the only person on this planet that will talk to me at all, more than simple "hi, how are you" because I am garbage. It will be 3 years this summer since I have seen her in person, and she is still the first and last thing I think of every day. Honestly, I love her as much today as I did when she was with me.
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Limerence....no, you can work on going out and eventually find people who will be happy to talk to you.
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This isn't even the worst that I have been treated and is not really that bad. It is confusing, is all. I am trash and deserve all the embarrassing reasons women have broken up with me.
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Therapy or support groups or self-help resources (apps, blogs, articles, books) will help with the depressive thoughts.
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I just can't get a fix on her behavior. I knew that she had some mental issues, but I could never put my finger on it. She had never been diagnosed with anything, as far as I know. I was shocked that she was at the point where she was thinking of jumping.
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Probably a lie, drama for sure though.
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I realize that no one here knows her or the full story, but does anyone have any insight into this behavior?
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To really sum it up as short as possible: dramatic woman online who doesn't have a real relationship with you and never did and never will.
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Maybe it will help me get over her, or more likely, help me deal with whatever this relationship has become (...) so it will definitely be my last.
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There was NEVER a relationship here. So most definitely not your last relationship.
Key words again:
Limerence
Bad and dangerous online drama
Depression
Self-worth and purpose of sense for your own life