Thanks for your responses. I will try fill in some blanks that people brought up.

I have been treated horribly by women pretty much all my life. A recent example. About a year ago I tried to meet friends, it went about like you would expect. I did actually find someone briefly. She stopped talking to me because I inspired her to try to get back with an ex. She dated him for 8 years and he took a job back east and moved without discussing it with her. That is not even an unusual thing to happen to me. She came over to tell me and told me how fun and kind I was, blah, blah, blah, hugged me and left. She did say we could text from time to time, we did talk, with her often initiating the conversation, and a week later she blocked me. We had no arguments and she never expressed that I upset her. We mainly talked about her work and any movies coming up, hardly conversations where I might upset her.

She wasn't the first person to stop talking with me because I am so awful, an abuser from their past looks good in comparison.

True, I never went to Russia but many times I followed her all day in video chats. Even a long time at her work. I never found an inconsistency or anything else suspect. I could have looked at my watch and told you where she is and what she is doing with high accuracy. Weird, but it is possible to know someone you haven't spent a lot of time with in person.

She could leave Russia without her ex's approval, but would have to leave her son behind, which she could not do.

I wish I knew why she disappears and I know no one here would know why. It is frustrating. I never told her about my dad because I was afraid she would disappear for years.

A few months before we met in person, she hurt her neck and spent a week in the hospital. We talked and she would send pictures from the hospital and whatnot, but she was trying to pull away and say that I would not want her anymore because it is too much to help her through that, which was crap and told her as much. Why wouldn't I help as I could?

I am not abusive or manipulative. I am pretty shy, ugly, stupid, and very boring. I live a quiet, slow-paced life. I was married once to someone who treated me very coldly from the day we were married and eventually left us with no stated reason. Two summers ago, she texts me to apologize for how she treated me. If I need help she is always there for me, even though she was not when we married. I guess I don't understand relationships at all.

I could go on for hundreds of paragraphs. People get treated the way they deserve, I get ignored, laughed at, dismissed, and generally treated badly. If I were not garbage that would not happen, or at least not happen all the time, right?

When I first met her, I was suspicious because of how fast things went. I saved all of the chat logs and videos. It is like 30GB of data. I never found an inconsistency or lie. We did have an intimate relationship, online and off. If she was playing games, and it is certainly possible, what would be the endgame?

She never asked for money, she insisted on paying half when we were together. In fact, she spent more than me because of getting a visa and having to fly to Siberia for the visa interview. She paid for all of it.

It is no exaggeration that we spent more time talking over 8 months before meeting than most people dating do in two years. If it wasn't real, I can't imagine what she got out of this.

I do not want to marry her - trust is long gone - I can't let go and deep down, really don't want to. Not only because that means I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am not trying to argue with you or dismiss your valuable advice. I am just trying to work things out of my mind out loud.

Could I go back to wanting to marry her? It would take a lot of effort on her part and I am certainly not worth it. I think what this is really about is finding reasons to move on from her. Well, not move on as much as finding peace in my solitude.

I knew a person that was married for about 10 years and she was blind-sided by what he did. I guess you really can't know anyone.


I did respond. A lot. Even if I didn't care for her, I would still respond. It is not in my nature to not.

She didn't read most of the messages for nearly two months. Sending that and then not even reading most of what I wrote for about 2 months is attention-seeking behavior? That confuses me, but I am a social moron.

After briefly talking last week, she is back in disappear mode. Almost three years of disappearing and coming back. If she wants attention, she isn't asking for a lot of it.

I learned a new word today.

But, she is a real woman. I am confused.

If I could avoid a panic attack caused by going out and meeting people. And if I could figure out where to meet people. I am extremely avoidant.


Therapy broke me in the late 90's, they just want to drug me which has only caused severe side-effects with no benefit. After 30+ meds over 22 years, and lots of pain and medical issues, I jumped off that train.

I have been reading a lot of stuff online. Especially about loneliness and developing personal relationships. They seem to assume that this is a transient state and it is hard to relate to that. Even in the rare times I had friends and close relationships, I always felt alone.

I guess I have never had a relationship because this one was the strongest and most real feeling, by far. If I haven't in 53 years, it is likely I won't.

I think I understand that her behavior shows a lack of concern, but that is pretty normal in my experience.

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I will think about it and see what I can do with it. If you have any questions, comments or whatever, I would be grateful.