That's totally okay. Feel free to talk out loud if that helps with thinking. You could consider support groups too for this.

Some more comments, I don't think I'll have more input in future though.

I mean there's a lot of people who don't care that much or try to treat others bad, true. Go only for the people who care to do good treatment of you and of other people. It's important to be selective. Keep in mind a few important principles like that and it will help.

And panic attacks are absolutely treatable. Exposure treatment is plenty great for fear based problems in general. Etc. so it doesn't have to get in the way of going out eventually.

Also, you might want to find resources on loneliness and intimacy issues that don't assume it's transient, then. I've seen that kind of writing before. All that's totally stuff that you can work through even if it will take a while.

Also this blocking thing, it's again because it's online. Online it's so easy to flick a button to block the other person. Because the online interactions and online relationships are just different from what an interaction is like in actual reality. They are artificial at best even if the person isn't trying to take advantage of you, and no good for mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

Where I said this woman wasn't real I meant it was mostly an online relationship and that you only really knew part of her, not the whole of her. Video chats are still far from what real life would show. You really cannot know a person from a distance. Like you said, even after a marriage new things can be revealed about a person, let alone if it's mostly online, video chats and whatnot. And if this whole story didn't have inconsistencies, you wouldn't be feeling confused.

The fact that you could not share about your dad is very telling too, if this was a real, and actually good relationship where you can have support from your partner, where they are actually there for you, you would tell them about your dad, you would have no fears about that.

Yeah it's possible she just got distracted after that. She seems to have acted on some whim - which is still attention-seeking to me, yes - and then went back to her own life. I would be plenty livid myself TBH. Being told all that about suicide, and then they just get distracted like that. I would feel like I am just being taken for granted and that I'm fully replaceable to them. So then I'd reject that and refuse to let it affect my self-worth, and that's what I recommend to you too.

How about turning that around! If this was the first time you've felt this strongly, that means you can feel strongly again. Not a cause for despair but for rejoicing.