thank you for sharing...i understand how hard it is to only get glimpses of the truth... trying to put the puzzle together so you can heal and move forward... i am in the same place as you are in many ways... the most important thing to me (and it always has been) is for my kids to be ok... i know they have questions and i have tried to answer them honestly... we have dealt with this head on since they were little... the reason my t would like to share the report with the boys isn't because they don't remember the abuse... it's because my oldest two sons have/ are accusing me of filing it to hurt his dad... and to keep them from him... this is what my ex and his wife are telling the boys... my youngest knows the truth because it happened to him... my boys have a love/hate relationship with their dad... he hasn't been there for him in more ways then the abuse most of their life.
i think that if this had come up at any other time it might not have as much power as it does right now... i am in the middle of dealing with my own abuse issues and trying to get my life back on track emotionally... i thought i had dealt with all this many years ago...only to find myself back revisiting the abuse issues of my past and trying to keep from that very dark place that i seem to plummet into so easily right now... believe it or not i was functioning very well for many years... until as a family we have hit an avalanche of crisis' most of which have to do with my sons (all 3) abuse issues. now that they are adults i can't keep them safe... and unfortunately... watching them struggle and stepping back has been really triggering for me... everything has been about keeping them safe... and i can't do that anymore... it's time for them too do that...

i told my t that if the boys want to see the report that he could show them... but this has left me in a very dark and scary place... because the report has opened some very old wounds... i have decided to ask him to help me take the power out of the report before he makes it available to them... i don't know if that is possible ... but if my oldest son (who tends to be the hardest on me) were to use the report against me... i don't think i have the ability right now to cope with it... i have tried many time over the years to come to terms with what happened in my marriage... but haven't been able fully... in many ways what happened then wounded me more then all the abuse growing up... lyn