T and I talked about my feelings and thoughts about not having children. I didn't choose to not have children because I wanted to pursue a career or something else, it was because of my mental illness. I didn't think it would be fair to my children if their Mom was struggling so much even though I know I would love them beyond life itself. But lately a bunch of my cousins are having babies. Three boys so far, one girl, and one girl on the way. All in like 6 months! So I am constantly being bombarded with baby news. Not that I wish anything against these cousins but it just brings up so many feelings of loss and grief within me and sadness. Like unbelievable sadness. One of my cousin's is having a baby shower on Saturday and I don't want to go. I don't care much for this cousin and also the whole I don't have kids thing. But I am going because it is at night and my Mom doesn't do so well driving at night and with my Mom's memory issues she has trouble remembering what she is supposed to be doing so I don't really want her traipsing along the countryside at nighttime without someone with her. So it is my labor of love for my Mother. Even though it is causing me great sadness.


But I realize T didn't tell me what to do with these feelings. We just talked about them. I still have them. I am still dreading the shower on Saturday. I am still sad and feeling loss and grief. And I feel like no one cares. Like I am just the poor old cousin that never got married or had children. Not that I am unhappy with my life because most of the time I think my life is quite good. But there are times when I feel the lack myself and it is hard to swallow. I want to SH and get these feelings out of me this way but I can't because it's Lent and I gave this up for Lent and besides it wouldn't really help anything anyway. But I am tired of feeling these feelings. I'm going to have to pretend to be so happy for my cousin on Saturday. I am happy for her but I am also unhappy for me! That sounds so selfish. Gosh I am such a loser.