I feel like such a loser sometimes.


I'm not saying that so you all will tell me that I am not a loser. It's this darn illness. It messes with you.


I decided long ago that I wouldn't be having children because it wasn't fair to the children to have a Mom that is this unstable. Even though I would love the children more than life itself. But a bunch (like 4) of my cousins have been or are having babies within like 6 months. 5 new babies (two were twins)! I have a baby shower to go to on Saturday. I don't want to go but my Mom can't go alone. It's at night and she doesn't do well driving at night. And she has memory issues. While I am happy for this cousin (and maybe a little jealous because she already has everything) I am unhappy for me and that's so selfish of me and plus I chose this (plus life kind of chose this because I never found the right man to get with to have babies). I'm sad and grieving and feel the loss. I don't know. I just feel like a loser today. It sucks. I want to SH to get rid of the feelings but I know ultimately that won't help. Just sucks. I suck.