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Originally Posted by divine1966
If people don’t want to talk to you or don’t like to answer your questions, repeatedly contacting them and trying to word your messages differently serves no purpose. Do you want to wear them out so they start responding? I don’t understand
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The thing is I have a relationship with those people (friendship, romantic etc). So it's like when there is something they don't want to talk about is when they pull this off, and otherwise they want to keep the relationship going unchanged. Did this help clarify? Let me know please.
As for the other question, noo I don't have an intention like wear them out. I just simply am not able to move on and skip the issue or whatever it is that needs talking and communication, it's like I'm stopped in my tracks. Or with some of the topics I can try and drop them temporarily but it will make things very uncomfortable, in practice too.
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Is the boyfriend ever coming back? What’s he doing in a different country? How real is it that he plans on marrying you? You lived together and then he up and moved? And now ignores you. It’s a little strange. Kind of doesn’t match how one acts when they plan to marry someone.
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He had work in that country, he quit recently, but I'm finding it hard to discuss plans with him for the future about what he'd like to be doing. All I know is that he does want me to live with him again though. I think his intention to marry is real. But yeah he ignores stuff.... like any discussion about these future plans too. It bothers me because I'd really like to know for obvious reasons. If he's part of my life and I'm part of his then I need to know what he'd like to be doing, right? He also doesn't ask what I'd like to be doing, so it's not that great nope.
A note on him. He once did mention in passing that he was trying to "negotiate" with the landlord of the flat he was renting with some other guy at the time. It was about when he was going to move out, or something. And the landlord wanted to discuss, and he was intentionally withholding information. He was like the landlord can just wait while he decides on his own or something. So I know some people intentionally withhold information sometimes and he's one of those people. If that gives any context for this kind of behaviour that upsets me so much,.... I don't know.
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Are you seeing a therapist?
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Not right now but I do want to contact a couples counsellor. But the thing is if I don't even know what he wants to do in the next couple of months, I'm finding it hard to do this too.
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated
I agree it’s very likely with your bf that if you marry him his behaviour is not likely to change. I’m not sure why he’d ignore you but is it possible you have different contact needs? Like he may not need to stay in touch as often? Or he prefers not to text? What’s he like towards you when you’re together in person?
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Yeah, this is why I want to do the couples counselling.
I don't think some of this fits under different contact needs.
In person, he can ignore some of the stuff that I'm saying when it's just conversational stuff. I do want to talk about that too in couples therapy as it obviously does bother me but that's another issue.
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Originally Posted by Rive.
If people don't respond, deflect or lie, I would stop engaging with such people.
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Yeah. Part of the problem is that when I first had a close friend who started pulling this off after a while, I found it really hard to just cut her off (long story but I was trying to help her with some stuff), and ever since then I just get more and more upset if someone does this. Kind of a long story but it's at the point where I really don't want this pattern to continue, whatever the reason is for it. This is why I want to change how I respond.
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IF it is important stuff you need from specific people, I would be direct: 'I need this response for [whatever purpose] and I am waiting on you to get back to me'. So tell them explicitly you are waiting on them for X or they didn't get back to you about X.
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Thank you for the suggestion, I will try that. What do I do if they continue ignoring that?
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For such people, it would be best to be clear and direct rather than asking them the same thing repeatedly. I would also avoid dealing with these people if at all possible (unless unavoidable)
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I'm always direct with them, but yeah when I get upset then I can't think of anything else other than just repeating the same thing with slight variations. "Could you please respond to x" this kind of thing. I didn't add an explanation like your example above or that I'm waiting for them to get back to me, though.
Can I ask what you meant by some people being unaware when they ignore texts/messages?