lauren.. why do you think he did this purposefully to hurt you? and if you keep these insights to yourself.. how does that "get back" at him in any way? Remember, this is your journey, your process... you don't have to share anything with him, but that won't get you any further ahead either. i understand feeling that way... i've been there, but if you are doing this to get better, then keeping things to yourself is only preventing that process from working. i'm sure he cares... i think he probably did a dumb or forgetful thing... to be honest, if he really wanted to hurt you on purpose there are probably a hundred different ways which would have been more effective, right? If he wanted to hurt you he could say things to you which really would cut. Just something to think about.

yeah i know Miss... i wish i could. My next appt with pdoc is the 9th, after T gets back. One of the non-psych related meds i am on has depression as a side effect (hoorah). Between that and the hormones that are being forced on me (due to the other med) i'm like a fish in a barrell. T told me to just try to hold on and ride it out. %#@&#!... only a man would say that about progesterone sensitivity.

this whole mess is interesting though... pdoc will think so. i thot that the hormone/endocrine stuff was the entire answer, but if that werre true i'd have the exact same patttern each month.. but i don't... just the time frame is predictable, so i am thinking it probably is a combo.. bipolar aggrivated by the hormone issues.

he won't give me an AD.. not now. i had periods of near-manic behaviour off and on recently. He is fond of saying that while depression is difficult, getting hypomanic could ruin my career in a heart-beat. Deression sucks but hypomania is like flaming gasoline. He doesn't understand the depths though... i have been very careful about that out of fear that he would have hospitalized me. We once had a conversation in which he said he felt that if i got worse he thought i should go and i said no way and there was no way he could make me... to which he responded that he could have the police pick me up. i freaked. Since then i generally am judicious... although i know that is self defeating.

i do need a break... desperately. i can't get one unless i figure this financial mess out. i have two choices: give up T altogether or find an increased source of income. It's not that seeing T is an issue exactly, but that amount would make a difference at this point. i am frantic about that.

anyone wanting to send me a dollar, i am accepting all currencies.. no small change please.

i have been trying really hard to think about what T might tell me to do right now... but i go in circles. i see him for a reason afterall. i need some kind of list of what i need to do and then a plan or priority thingy... yeah, i need a thingy.