Hi again

Well, my day went down the toilet yesterday, but that's for another thread on another forum, probably later this week. But today is a new day....

What you said about shutting down even positive emotions makes a lot of sense, believe it or not. I have very similar reactions and have come to learn that it's pretty common.

I've been watching videos on YouTube by a man who counsels people in childhood trauma. In one of his videos he summed up one of the possible reasons as being along the lines of "you're so use to good feelings not lasting and bad feelings persisting, that you don't really want to invest in the good ones. They're gone way too fast.

Not sure if this will be relatable, but a year or two after I started doing CBT for anxiety, I was feeling so good. I literally bounced out of the desk chair. I felt light and awesome. Five steps from the desk, I sat down on the floor and started crying. The sensation was so awful. Later, I came to the sad realization that most of my childhood, someone would covertly or overtly destroy any good mood I experienced. I literally could not experience happiness because of the conditioned response of knowing that something would destroy it soon. It was better to just not go there.

In the last ten years, my DH has developed some issues (poss bipolar) that have me silently labelling him "joy killer." Whether he's up or down, it's only a matter of time until he can put a damper on any situation. Honestly, I don't think he's doing it intentionally, but the aftermath is the same.

I have had to force myself to enjoy myself, and it usually means I do it while alone, to make sure no one else influences it. It sometimes comes with a lot of guilt attached, after all, I've learned it's not ok for me to feel happy. Some of the things I'll do are things like blow off housework and just watch a movie, or I might go to the store and pick up some premium ice cream or a single piece of cheesecake. No one else knows about these indulgences, and I feel guilty as heck while doing them, but I also remind myself to just sit in the moment and enjoy it- that we do deserve things that bring us pleasure!

I gotta get rolling on Saturday, but see you again soon.