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Originally Posted by divine1966
I don’t think relationship has future if you aren’t comfortable brining up things without third party present. How do you plan on being married if you can’t talk to him freely? Being comfortable and authentic is a foundation of a healthy marriage.
He can’t tell you his pains but is comfortable with couples counseling? Something just isn’t adding up. How long you’ve been together?
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We've been together for a few years. And yeah I do not understand it AT ALL about him ignoring my questions like that. I mean for some of it I could be like ok he was inattentive/didn't care (which I do want to mention too in the couples counselling) but some of it just doesn't make sense at all, when it's really basic things like that wire transfer issue I mentioned earlier. Passive aggressiveness is one thing I've thought of but of course he denied that :shrug
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Originally Posted by eskielover
The important thing to learn is those who are pretending (or lying ) to you & learn to have the self-confidence to walk away before it gets to this point.
It's not about "improving communications" with people like this, it is about recognizing this kind of person & staying away from them in the first place & not allowing yourself to get sucked into their lies & manipulation. Learning to be wise with your own life is a valuable skill to have be cause it puts you in control of your own life
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I mean, yeah as soon as I recognised someone was manipulative or lied big time to me, I'd instantly cut them off. There isn't an issue with my self-confidence as far as that. As in I don't depend on relationships, I'd rather be alone than be lied to or manipulated in a bad way. But I do have to see clearly as to what's going on before I'm able to decide that such a thing is going on. If I've been emotionally invested in someone, I get careful about judging too fast.
And yes I've been working on recognising some red flags sooner.
By improving communications I meant when it might actually be decent people, I don't want to get too upset and get inflexible in communication just because I'd met some manipulative people in the past. Unless you meant that a lot more people are not really nice or decent. Because what I meant here is, if someone's not like manipulative by default but gets into a bad mood or gets avoidant about something or whatever, I've seen that thing happen before. No one is perfect. And I've sometimes still been able to talk to such people and had them respond well in the end but it's been a big stress for me because of the bad things in the past.
Also with my bf the jury's still out, I don't know why he's doing it, and I do want to try communication a bit more with him and look at and reflect about perspectives before deciding anything about it.
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated
Hi Etcetera, I meant that I thought it might be a bad sign for your future relationship with this man if he is ignoring you while in person conversation. If things are like this now do you feel it’s likely to change? How would you feel envisaging being in a marriage with someone who ignores you in conversation?
It’s interesting he’s open to counselling, can you arrange that?
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I see, yeah. No it doesn't feel great imagining that. And yeah as soon as I'm clear enough on his plans, I will be able to arrange it. I will try to talk to him again sometime in the next few days about the plans.
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Originally Posted by Rive.
Oh, that's different then. I would be careful going forward if a relationship is not reciprocated, mutual or emotionally fulfilling.
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The thing is I want to understand what's up with that too. He seems to be able to pay attention to friends or his father just fine.
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As with your friend who let you down, I believe the minimum expectation in personal relationships is to be emotionally met. This would help the longevity and 'health' of the relationship. If he is already showing his true colours (he will not change) that you are only of peripheral importance to his life, I see this as a major red flag.
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I think some things don't add up about it yet for me. It would be too simple otherwise, right?
It's like something still obscures some of the "true colours" for me. Maybe it would be obvious to someone who's a third party/onlooker to the relationship, but it isn't for me yet. But I really hope the the couples counselling will help there too.
EDIT: One major thing that obscures it for me is that I get unsure how much it is an issue with my communication. But that is only because the best friend accused me of not having enough empathy back then when I had to cut her off and that really affected me on a subconscious level.
The other big thing that gets in the way in seeing clearly is that my first ever boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks into it because he couldn't forget his first girlfriend (I was his second gf ever), even though he was so intensely into me at first....and then it was just downhill from there, second romantic relationship was when I didn't heal from this yet and it made the emotional injury worse. I never had a truly emotionally fulfilling relationship with a guy after all that. But that goes beyond the topic of this thread. I've already been working on this a lot too (healing these things inside myself).