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Originally Posted by Oliviab
I don't have many/any ideas for rebuilding trust and safety beyond what has been discussed here. Maybe just spending time together, not digging into anything painful? Or is there some sort of "clear and protect" ritual that you could do with her space/the relationship? (I do not hold any religious or supernatural beliefs, but still find rituals like this powerful.). Also, I think she needs to be trustworthy (is she?) in order for you to rebuild trust. Also, does she own her mistakes? Does she attempt to rectify them? Does she allow herself to be vulnerable with you, to be known by you? (These are things I require from my T in order to trust him--you may not need this, but it's worth thinking through what you do need and whether she can provide it).
My heart goes out to you at the thought of you being retraumatized. I have had similar experiences with my T. We nearly terminated twice and it was absolutely devastating, and I would have been very hurt, possibly even harmed (he and I differentiate between pain and damage this way). It would have been a major re-enactment of the original trauma. We go to therapy (at least I did) to have corrective experiences and then to have the same thing that harmed us in childhood happen all over again feels untenable. But I'm wondering if there is a third option other than "rebuilding trust and safety" and "retraumatization"?
I don't know the details of your relationship with your mother, but I'm wondering if there might be a way for you, over time, to terminate with this T in such a way that you get a "corrective experience/different ending"? It might not be the one you wanted or expected (e.g., a "natural" termination when you are sufficiently healed), but it might be empowering in a different way? Like, building enough internal strength and external supports to walk away from a relationship in which our needs are not being met because we know we deserve better can be healing in and of itself, if not the ending we wanted. Not sure if this applies to your situation or not, but wanted to put it out there.
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That was a very interesting post. I'm thinking emotional neglect was a big thing for me as a kid and I did have that replayed in therapy, maybe in a very different form but yeah. And it was really close to damaging (using your terminology) there, way more than ever in my childhood, because I tried to be so connected and open to her and wanted her to be too to me, so it was doubly the problem compared to childhood, so I had to stop going into it all.
I don't know if I specifically had any kind of paternal transference there, it was on a way more general level for some basic attachment models, or something like that.
Anyway, what I liked the most in your post was the part about the third option. I feel like my giving myself time to process and self-reflect on my own about the experience unhindered by a therapist that I can't get enough mutual attunement with, that was a third way for me too. It may take a while to get to the end of that third road, but it's worth it, where you don't have to go by theoretical ideas from therapy about building safety and trust, but instead you get to figure out yourself and listen to your actual instincts and emotions about it. That kind of thing has meant a lot to me.
I have a question too: where you mention you require your T to be vulnerable with you. So there are therapists that use their own very different framework from what's usually a guideline (about the therapist not disclosing too much, not enmeshing themselves)? So like there are therapists that are willing to make themselves vulnerable like that? I'm just asking because I'd like to hear more on this in general