grasshopper, I'm glad you can see some of the reasons why you are having difficulty now with this area of your life. Yes, there are always the fake worshippers in church... but I'd rather they still go to church and work on themselves, they surely won't get it straight by not going to church, imo. We go to church for ourselves, and God, each of us.

How is the church situation there today? I know there are many ministries that kept right on going through all the destruction. They are there to help you in many ways. You know, visiting churches has no demands upon you, and you can freely visit and leave. Maybe you are seeking something the world cannot give, and from a child you realized it's in the church somehow (but the people turned you off?)

Good wishes.