Binge Eating Disorder is such a brutal illness and it imposes such a crushingly heavy burden on those who suffer from it. You are the victim of what this illness does to your brain. It is clear that you do everything you can to resist, given everything influencing you moment to moment. So I think you are a very heroic individual beset by overwhelming difficulties that you never asked for. Disorders of the brain are powerful, powerful forces. Often overwhelming. I admire you for putting up a fight when you can, knowing that it is hard to fight against an illness which affects one's brain. Wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am at a loss. I do want to tell you that my heart goes out to you!