I’m not sure how to write about this, it’s something that I’m thinking about but don’t really want to talk about with anyone IRL. English is not my first language.

If you have a history of emotional neglect and abandonement done by parentes, can the therapeutic relationship be harmful, even if the therapist has good boundaries etc?

I have a T that I think about a lot. I’ve had to stop seeing her because she’s not qualified to work with me now that I’ve been diagnosed with bpd. So I’ve started with a new T recently but I still think a lot about my old one. My old T and I scheduled an app for next week five weeks ago, just to catch up because I had a really hard time trying to cope with the new situation. She emailed me a couple of days ago to change the app time and when I saw her name I got hit with the sadness and grief again.

I miss her so so so much. But it’s like she’s triggering something deep inside of me. She’s done that the whole time I’ve seen her. So the night before our sessions, i was always on edge, having trouble sleeping. Well, I have a lot of trouble sleeping anyway but it was harder when I knew I was going to see her. It’s like when you’re in love with someone new and you’re excited and scared at the same time. Often when the session was over I felt like she abandoned me. Sometimes I got angry and sometimes sad and sometimes I said nothing, but felt the grief inside me.

It’s like she helps me to get in touch with my feelings from when I was a child and was left alone. But she’s leaving me also, everytime I see her she leaves me. It’s like she’s constantly picking in my wound. Not because she wants to hurt me, but because I so desperately want a mom. And she can’t give that to me.

I’ve had a hard time opening up to my new T. But I’m at least sleeping a little bit better..

I really want to see old T next week, I want to be in her presence, but at the same time I’m scared of my reaction. Can therapy re-traumatise you, even if the T is doing everything ”right”?