I have struggled with this since the beginning. I was diagnosed spring of 2017 and there is still this part of me that doesn't want to believe it. I think it must be some less-rational part of my mind, because there's really nothing else to explain why I do what I do. Intellectually I know, but deeper down there's this doubt. I mean, my therapist only really knows me from what I say and for small slices of time. There's always the chance we got it wrong.

About a year ago I had a pretty intense episode. At the time I became obsessed with knowing if I have it or not. I was watching videos and reading incessantly. It's all I was talking and thinking about. All while I was questioning if I actually had it. My point is, I was deep in the thick of it, feeling energetic and spunky, happy and fine, but obsessed, among other symptoms, bent on figuring out if I really had it. It's so crazy thinking of the fact that I was exhibiting many signs of it, while trying to figure this out, and it was only recently that I realized all of this.

It looks different in everyone, but there are trends. Over the last year I have tried to learn about it (not so obsessively as before) and be more mindful of myself and moods to defeat that part of myself that refuses to accept it fully, because the evidence shows my life has gone from its downward trend pre-meds, to the upward one it has been on since.

Just keep in mind, you can find yourself in the eye of the storm where things feel great and the sun is out, but those around you can sometimes have a better sense for what is going on. The illness itself can play tricks and cloud your mind, and make reality very difficult to see clearly.