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Originally Posted by Amandae8787
I’m not sure how to write about this, it’s something that I’m thinking about but don’t really want to talk about with anyone IRL. English is not my first language.
If you have a history of emotional neglect and abandonement done by parentes, can the therapeutic relationship be harmful, even if the therapist has good boundaries etc?
I have a T that I think about a lot. I’ve had to stop seeing her because she’s not qualified to work with me now that I’ve been diagnosed with bpd. So I’ve started with a new T recently but I still think a lot about my old one. My old T and I scheduled an app for next week five weeks ago, just to catch up because I had a really hard time trying to cope with the new situation. She emailed me a couple of days ago to change the app time and when I saw her name I got hit with the sadness and grief again.
I miss her so so so much. But it’s like she’s triggering something deep inside of me. She’s done that the whole time I’ve seen her. So the night before our sessions, i was always on edge, having trouble sleeping. Well, I have a lot of trouble sleeping anyway but it was harder when I knew I was going to see her. It’s like when you’re in love with someone new and you’re excited and scared at the same time. Often when the session was over I felt like she abandoned me. Sometimes I got angry and sometimes sad and sometimes I said nothing, but felt the grief inside me.
It’s like she helps me to get in touch with my feelings from when I was a child and was left alone. But she’s leaving me also, everytime I see her she leaves me. It’s like she’s constantly picking in my wound. Not because she wants to hurt me, but because I so desperately want a mom. And she can’t give that to me.
I’ve had a hard time opening up to my new T. But I’m at least sleeping a little bit better..
I really want to see old T next week, I want to be in her presence, but at the same time I’m scared of my reaction. Can therapy re-traumatise you, even if the T is doing everything ”right”?
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Here's what I'm thinking about this kind of stuff as I did think a lot about this recently. Apparently some claim that you (general you) are supposed to be fully vulnerable in therapy, while the therapist is NOT vulnerable, sometimes not even transparent, congruent, let alone authentic. And the empathy of the therapist is finite, too. And it's a relationship where power inequalities can easily creep into it because of all that.
So I think that will make therapy harmful if you make yourself too vulnerable like that, no matter if the therapist has good intentions consciously. Good intentions or following some protocols on "boundaries" will not be enough on its own in such an inequal relationship.
A therapist of mine when she had negative countertransference to whatever, would have "insights" that she claimed had no idea where they came from but they invariably would be aimed at invalidating my emotions and tearing me down, coming from a "fix-it" approach, rather than building me up from a genuine, real, empathetic interest.
What would help with this fundamental problem in therapy is if there was mandatory supervision, and objective evaluation of progress and feedback provided to the therapist and then adjustments made based on that. Plus some better selection process to find a good match faster. Until then, such "deep" therapy is going to remain a mess. Risky and not worth it. IMO.
It could be also helpful for you to analyse what this deep thing inside of you it is that was triggered in that therapy. Maybe it was just the power imbalance in the relationship, maybe it was something else, maybe would help you with healing to identify and verbalise it (or at least have some images or or felt sense or some other content for it before verbalising the insight).
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Originally Posted by Amandae8787
I understand the difference, I just didn’t know the right word for it. I think what I meant was… like, can therapy be harmful even though the therapist does everything the right way. If the therapist is kind, accepting, validating etc. Still I feel like therapy almost made me feel worse. Probably because I’ve never talked about my childhood and it’s been hard to accept how difficult it was. But the relationship itself was very triggering.
Perhaps that’s something I just have to go through in order to heal, I really don’t know. But it hurts like hell. And that’s why I’m having a hard time opening up to my new T. I’m not sure if I can do it again…
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If therapy made you feel worse, then there you have your objective evaluation and feedback on how well it was working. It wasn't working. Of course, it's possible to be like, have two steps forward, one step back, but I don't think that's what you're talking about? And I don't think you should blame yourself about not making yourself even more vulnerable by talking about your childhood and so on.
If you sleep better now with the new therapist, that's another indication that the previous therapy wasn't helping you. Of course only you can decide if it was helping you, if you feel better, but that's just what it sounds like to me from what you've written.
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Originally Posted by Amandae8787
I just don’t know what to do. I really want to see her but a part of me is afraid that it will make everything worse. Already, just by thinking about this, I miss her more. She’s in my mind so many times each day. It really is like a crush but without the sexual part. I want her care and attention constantly. I’ve stopped myself from emailing her these last couple of weeks but when she emailed me, I felt the instant need of contact again. But I just wrote that the app change was fine. Nothing more. I really wonder sometimes.:. Are therapists aware of the intense feelings that some clients have? They say that they understand but I’m not sure they do. Perhaps I have even more intense feelings due to being bpd, I don’t know. It takes over everything.
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I think a lot of therapists are NOT aware of what these feelings can be like. I don't think it's a real explanation or helpful to just chalk it all up to BPD, either.
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Originally Posted by Lostislost
I have felt the feelings you describe about your old T. I’m not sure it’s re traumatising (unless they have crossed some boundaries or acted badly) but I know things do get worse before they get better. So in a way I guess it’s re traumatising, but for a good reason. Like opening up an old wound that hasn’t healed properly, cleaning it out, and waiting for it to heal again. Some wounds have to be opened many times to heal, and that will definitely hurt.
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My issue is that the idea makes neat sense in theory, but how do I know it's actually that way in reality? What is the guarantee that the process really works like this? These are real questions, I mean, if you or anyone feels like adding something I'd be really interested. I doubt there are any guarantees or clear guidelines for this, but I'm interested anyhow
I'm also saying all this because I did read an analogy recently about how picking on the wound is no good, and to properly heal it that needs to be avoided. Unfortunately I forget the rest of the analogy about what works for healing it instead of picking on it and reopening it all the time.
The thing about it being no good with picking on the wound also reminds me of the EFT (emotionally focused therapy) principle about not doing unproductive emotional processing, only go into the emotion if productive processing can be ensured.
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The fact that you had to stop seeing her is probably the worst part, as you weren’t finished with the process. I’m glad you get to see them again, even if it hurts…hopefully you can work through some of those feelings with her. Maybe it will take time, but you can start the process again with your new T (I know starting over sucks, but it will be worth it in the end) and work through the feelings of abandonment with them.
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You're calling this a process. Does the process have a start, a middle and an end? Do you have a way to know where you are in the process at a given moment here and now? I'm interested if you or anyone else can say more on it. Again I doubt there is really an answer but I'm just throwing it out here if anyone wants to engage this topic (if not too off topic for OP!).