So I had a thread on therapy earlier where I mentioned it wasn't working for me. And how I'd been told by some therapist that it could be that I need to learn how to be vulnerable and when and with whom to be vulnerable with. I felt like, something was off with that, but I did not think much about at the time, back then.

Now, I have too many questions about that so I'm opening a new thread for this. Will bold the actual questions. Please, anyone reading this, feel free to answer only a couple of questions or whatever.

So like, let's start here:

It all feels like an alien culture with therapy and some (not all) of psychology, all the talk of a safe place, safety, self-care, self-soothing, vulnerability, feeling depressed or helpless or anxious etc. (....What does that possibly even mean, that this is like entering a new world, where I don't know why I'm even finding myself in there?)

So then it invariably comes off to me, vulnerability is supposed to be about being so open AND soft at the same time, open to attacks. That to me means, being vulnerable defenselessly and helplessly.

So then. First question. Can I not be emotionally open from a place of strength rather than defenselessly and helplessly vulnerable like that?

What is even the difference if any, between being emotionally open and being outright vulnerable? My understanding is, the latter is more deeply intimate than more superficial social expression or more public forms of self-expression.

I am interested in being more emotionally open, if I have enough emotional safety. Emotional intimacy, depending on what we mean by it. But I don't know if I'm interested in vulnerability. What I do know is, I am *not* interested in emotional dependence. Independence and interdependence are the two options.

I have been thinking about the idea of safety too as used in this "world". I am realising that my most basic idea of emotional safety is simply, there being enough positivity emotionally. That already makes me be able to be less detached and more open emotionally.

But of course, there are so many layers or levels of that openness in response to positivity. Simple kindness and the response to that is much different from actually being loved and the response to that.

So that emotional openness, I wouldn't know if that would count as true vulnerability, of course. How much opening up would be seen as actually being vulnerable? Because, obviously, I can do a little opening up or I can do a lot more (in theory). When does it become true vulnerability?

And then there's self-soothing. Bubble bathes and things like that aside as they do nothing for me. I just endure difficult things rather than self-soothe. Let's just see.... Would I be expected to self-soothe if someone does choose to attack me in some very personal way when I am being vulnerable to them?

Then someone posted, "vulnerability is not making yourself weak, it’s allowing someone to know you. That can feel scary. And you can decide whether and with whom you’d like to do it."

So to decide well as to whom to be vulnerable with, I would first need to be really really in tune with all my feelings and soft side?

Someone else posted, "being vulnerable does not equate to being 'weak' or as you say "helpless" and "defenseless". It actually requires a lot of strength to stand in your truth, warts and all." So what does an example of vulnerability based in strength, standing in your truth, warts and all look like?

Where my strength by default is, taking on an active attitude towards the world, so yes, I come more from anger than from fear or anxiety. But part of what I view as my natural strength is also emotional detachment, as long as the detachment is not too extreme. As that could possibly get in my own way if I'd at all want a good relationship.

But, all that goes against vulnerability, obviously. And I know there are therapy approaches that view anger and detachment as just protectors and not real parts of a self. I don't know if I agree with that. But that could lead too far.

So anyway. Therapists also can decide to see me as having a wall, and then it can possibly be interpreted in ways like, they can't do a thing with me in therapy because I have too many defenses (i.e the wall). That is, not defenselessly vulnerable. That is, whatever opening up I've tried to do was not open enough, not vulnerable enough. I was too detached or too angry, for some therapists. It was hard for me to feel my own version of emotional safety (i.e. enough positivity emotionally), for sure.

I do believe being too vulnerable or otherwise being too emotionally open is not okay in therapy anyway if it creates a power imbalance, but I'm interested in understanding more on the topic in general. So again, that is why I have my questions as above.

PS: Mentioning @FooZe as he showed interest in the topic before