My life is like a roller coaster up down up down and I don't know if it will ever stop. Years ago for about 6 or so months I was diagnosed as extreme rapid cycling. I was cycle like multiple times a day. This is kind of like that but the depression is worse than anything I have ever felt. I was manic last week now I have kind of leveled off. But I am either ok or really depressed. I went to dinner with some friends of mine today and it was nice to get away but as soon as I got in my truck I started to cry and I cried all the way home. I took a seriquil after I got home hopefully it helps.
Earlier today I spent hours going through pictures of my wife and I put together a tribute book for my wife from shutterfly. I did cry while looking but it was not to horrible. My sister in law made a video for my wife's celebration of life and I still have not been able to watch it. I don't plan on watching it any time soon.

Trigger possibility next paragraph.





While I was looking at the pictures I came across one that was taken last summer in black and white. After looking at it it looks like she was sick then maybe I could of prevented her death if I would of noticed it. The other thing is the day she passed I let her sleep in a couple of extra hours because she was a little sick the night before. If I would of woke her when she was supposed to be up I might have saved her.

I am full of grief, anger and guilt. I know I should not be doing the what if game but I am stuck in a hole.

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