Quote:
Originally Posted by Amandae8787
I’m not sure if she’s actually doing the picking in the wound. I think that maybe I’m doing that. Not intentionally… and none of us knew about my trauman when we first met. Or, I knew, but I didn’t understand them and the impact they had on me.
My new T is part of a treatment team with supervision and sometimes she record her sessions to discuss them with her supervisor. In that aspect, the treatment (DBT) seems very safe. But I feel nothing. It’s like I’m completely detached from my emotions. But I guess that’s normal considering my past, I’m so scared of my new T getting to close. Sometimes I dissociate in sessions, to the point where I can’t speak and hardly move, because everything is overwhelming. So my new T is very aware of not triggering me. My old T didn’t know that much about dissociation.
|
I see. That does sound like the new therapy could be more helpful and useful for you. And it's totally okay to feel nothing, it's great your current T accepts that and works with that. I don't think that there is another way to work with numbing and dissociation. Only by accepting it first. Btw I'm often also very detached from emotions more than what's normal for me (I was never an emotional person), and my experience is that it really cannot be rushed, getting to the emotions. It's fine if it's going to take a long time, and I found that any forcing of that process would make things worse and like picking on the wounds.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amandae8787
I’ve done some more thinking about this. I thought that if I trust my T and allow myself to feel the stuff that I’ve been hiding, I’d eventually heal. Perhaps I’d have scars and the wound would open from time to time, but I would feel a little less empty. I really thought that.
|
I feel like if your detachment is anything like mine (but I can really only speak of my own experience, I don't know you personally or your psyche), this is ok to set as an eventual goal or dream to get there someday. But not force it in the meantime. And it could be that you will end up trusting yourself more than any therapist instead, or anything, the point is more that you get to feel stuff in a way that's natural and not forced or overwhelming for you.
Quote:
Now I don’t know. What if I can’t heal at all? What if all I can do is try to live with the wound. Not speak about it, not try to heal. Just distance myself. Not from the people that I love, like my family, but from all the stuff in therapy. Stop picking the wound. Stop trying to heal. Just accept the reality and that I have this wound and that it probably never will heal. Stop trying to heal my attachment issues. Just… stop. Everything.
The problem is that I can’t really live like that. I’ve tried and it makes me feel dead inside, like I don’t exist. So… What to do? I really don’t know.
|
Maybe just slow down....? Again no rushing anything. I've had these thoughts soooo many times myself. And yes it's true that traumas don't completely disappear and some memories will always be there but they don't have to interfere with your life anymore. That to me is enough healing