Ok, so I'm still missing you a lot K, but you haven't been on my mind as much today, and that's good. A bit of respite. I guess I could start asking myself why I am missing you. What is it that I am missing, and how can I get that in my life. Thing is, I already know. And I don't think it is replicable.

You were the mother I never had.

For two or three short but incredible years you filled a role in my life that I didn't think would ever be filled. You became what I needed in order to learn, to grow, to change.

You were there every single step of the way. Every time I faltered, every time I triumphed. Every time I looked around you were there. It took us some time to build the relationship, but those couple of years before COVID hit were absolutely magical, and despite any difficult times we had along the way, my lasting memory is one of warmth and care, happiness and shared love.

That's why I miss you. Because I never had that growing up, and I didn't believe I could ever have that as an adult, until I found Jane and subsequently you.

I miss those feelings.

Sure, I am now in a much better place than I was. Sure, I now have other positive relationships in my life. Sure, I now know how to love and care for myself in ways I couldn't even comprehend when we started. But nothing will ever compare to the feeling of being genuinely supported, genuinely cared about and genuinely loved by a mother figure.

Nothing.

But, I am thankful that I did feel that. I am thankful that I had that time with you. Some people NEVER get that opportunity. I imagine some people will go their entire lives without ever feeling or experiencing those things, so I am grateful, but that doesn't stop me wishing it could last forever. Or even trying to make it last forever. Who in their right mind could give that up easily???

What you gave to me cannot be found in other places. I have tried. Unless I one day stumble upon a like-minded older lady who I connect with, who is as desperate for the love of a child as I am for the love of a mother.

I still think there should be a 'dating' site for this, you know. I wholeheartedly believe that we could make the world a better place for lots of people if we could find a way to bring them together. But, maybe, just maybe, what 'we' had was more special that anything else could ever be because it was done in the confines of the therapeutic relationship. I don't know.

All I know is that I miss seeing your face. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the safety of your room. I miss the feeling of your shoulder. I miss holding your hand. I miss leaving you with a spring in my step. I miss the self growth. I miss the joy. I miss the laughter. I miss the love.

I even miss the challenges. I miss the honesty. I miss being able to tell you everything. I miss your openness. I miss the pain. I miss the tears. I miss the reconnecting.

I miss you. I will always miss you.