I started mourning the loss of ex-T over a year ago, when she first told me she was terminally ill. She stopped working and I never expected to hear from her again. Three months later she got in touch to say she was going to re-start limited client work and we resumed working together.

After a few months she told me she was retiring for good this time, as it was taking too much out of her to support other people when she wasn't feeling well herself. I had to go through the heartache of losing her all over again. We kept in touch on and off, the last time I heard from her was Christmas.

I emailed her a couple of weeks ago and didn't receive a reply which was unusual. So I sent a WhatsApp message, which there was also no reply to. Knowing something wasn't right, I did an internet search and came across her funeral notice, she died early February. So I feel like I'm grieving her loss a 3rd time, except this time it's for good and I know she isn't around anymore. I wish I'd had the courage to make contact again with her sooner.

It's so unfair that someone like her, who did so much for other people, who helped me more than I realised, get their life cut short through this terrible illness. While I'm still here, have no purpose or use in life and would have swapped with her in a heartbeat.

I feel distraught, and having to keep it all bottled up inside isn't helping. Thinking about it is consuming me. I've never had such a strong reaction to the death of someone who wasn't family.

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