I just took a look at some stuff I wrote before I tried the no drugs/alcohol thing. Wow. Things were chaotic. Showing up to therapy high and pissing her off regularly, getting drunk and sexting exes, etc. I came across a note I wrote when I overdosed as I was about to pass out that was basically "sorry Mom." It's easy to say "I don't deserve the good things that come with sobriety," but it's a lot harder to say "my mom doesn't deserve a sober daughter."

So I don't think I'm going to worry much about relapsing now. Getting a look at how things really were is helpful. It's so easy to look back at the past with rose tinted glasses. I'm glad I journal a lot and use forums like this one to every now and then look back and see the progress I've made. Boy was I fked up!

I do relate to an idea that was brought up in my dual diagnosis group I did, and that is being "addicted to chaos." It's probably why I'm in the relationship I'm in right now and it's probably why I'm clean and sober for other people as opposed to myself and probably why I have trouble with med compliance. It's something I need to work on and I'm definitely going to bring this up with my therapist.