I am so restless and I believe it’s akathisia. Xanax calms me a bit and when I’m calm I’m steeped in despair. I am about 90% sure my clinician will be calling crisis on me tomorrow, but there is a chance she won’t.

I just feel like I’m at the end of the line. NONE of the meds are working. I know I have to hold out hope because I literally just started the depakote increase and cogentin to hopefully combat the akathisia. It’s just that vraylar was supposed to control my mood as well but it only controls paranoia. I mean that’s a good thing I guess. IP would keep me safe but I am not hopeful it would actually make me feel better.

I hit my head all morning but RS has the sharps/meds in his truck, including the things I can break apart. I can’t get into his truck because he has like 20 keys for his vehicles and work vehicles/machinery and I wouldn’t know where to even start to find which one it is. So that’s good.

I just really feel like I’m at the end of the line. I know this is probably just my illness talking but it’s so discouraging. I just want to go to sleep until this see saw is over.

Oh well as long as I’m calm I’m too depressed to move forward with destructive acts.