My job doesn’t care if I live or die. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to stay in my bed with my cat and sleep. My mom is always venting to me and I don’t feel I can vent to her because of how stressed she is over my grandma, and I don’t want to add to her stress. I feel all alone. I tried calling the crisis hotline and was on hold for 15 ****ing minutes. Screw that. I have no desire to do anything whatsoever these days. I just want to draw and be with my cat. My friends are mad at me, I think— I was supposed to go to a birthday party with them last weekend but I was sick with a fever and chills so I bailed at the last minute. I feel like no one on this earth would care if I died tonight. The only thing keeping me from expediting the process is my cat— she depends on me and I love her. Maybe that sounds silly, but I don’t care. I don’t see a therapist right now because I felt there was no accountability when I did. If other people can actually do constructive work on themselves with the help of a therapist, I applaud them, but I can’t. I just find it’s more productive for me to figure this **** out on my own. Usually, anyway… I’m having trouble doing it tonight.

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