I don't know how I am going to be in life as I live on. Sometimes contact with others is so dreadful and painful and tense and dysregulating that this way of being seems untenable. I need to completely control my space and I need to be alone in it. Completely alone. I can't bear the weight of contamination.

Once again, I am searching for land to buy and looking at retreats. Increasingly, I think this is linked to my cycle. This yearning for solitude certainly peaks at the same point in my cycle. I want to be true to my cyclical nature, true to being female and this is the only beautiful thing on which I can rely. It doesn't seem to mean much for me to be trying to fit amongst others, I don't fit into relations.

Why is it so hard for me to share this feeling of dislocation with you? I assume I feel shame about it, I must hide myself.