Thinking of you as Mother's Day approaches.

I sent you a card today. I made one for my OHs Mum and I just couldn't not make you one. I won't be making you anything else though, as a gift, unlike the last five years. I don't want to waste any time making you something. It's complicated.

If I had an easy way of doing it, I would take back the last thing I made you. Maybe one day I'll ask for it back and see what you say. That one really was a labor of love, and it feels wrong that you accepted it, when you can't even find it within yourself to tell me what you have been up to.

Like I said, complicated.

I always knew it would be comolicate, you know. I always knew that the type of work we were doing was risky. I always knew that I could end up getting hurt. But it has been worth it. At least I can take that away from it all. It had been worth it. Doesn't mean I'm not confused though. Doesn't mean I'm not upset with you though. Doesn't mean I'm not hurting though.

I wish you had been brave enough to have the conversation with me. I wish you had been brave enough to choose, and not just to dismiss. I'll always remember that last meeting, where I asked one last time if we could stay in touch. And all you could say was "let's not talk about that now". If not now, then surely it was never.

And yet you seemed so genuinely pleased when I had recounted how my music teachers from college had written back to me when I was 19/20/21. You really seemed to understand what a positive effect that had on me. So much so that you wanted to take my story and share it with the teachers in your life.

You also seemed to really understand why J had said I could always reach out to her. You called it the branch. You made out that you felt this was the right thing for her to do. So why does it feel like when it comes to you doing it, you are struggling with it?

Maybe you aren't? Maybe this is just my perception of the situation. Honestly I can't imagine you give me much thought at all really. Shame I'm not able to shut you out so easily.