Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
You spend your time ruminating why he was always so mean to you, showed no affection and why he insulted you and so on. You are focused on what he wants and what he wants to do and what should you do to get him be nicer. You keep doing it on several threads
|
Sincerely no offense: I suspect you could've mixed me up with some other poster, especially based on the last sentence in this paragraph.
But if that's not the case, then I would say you - naturally - don't have any idea who I am, and that's not who I am.
I said naturally, as we are strangers on a forum. Easy to guess wrong from little data. If you have curiosity about what it really is like for me with this, feel free to ask more or anything. I will try to add a bit more on all this below anyway.
You don't have to, what I'm saying is that I'm open to saying more if you do have curiosity to hear more. If not, that's fine too, I just don't see the point in receiving generic advice that doesn't fit my specific situation. But I appreciate the intention to try and help.
Quote:
|
There is nothing anyone need to do to get a boyfriend to be nicer. If he isn’t nice no amount of your efforts will make him into a nice person. Date nicer people!
|
OK, so I mean my issue is more like, I still need to spend a lot of time on relationship stuff, so I can see clearly about certain things. Certain past relationships were 'complexified' because of the manipulation so that makes it all a lot more work.
Quote:
|
He left to a different country for a job but then quit and wouldn’t tell you what his plans are. You don’t even know if he’s coming back. He first abused you and now totally ignores you. That’s really all you need to know. That’s your answer
|
Like I said I need clarity before I can take action. And I'm working on that so all that's fine.
As far as his plans, that's not terribly urgent right now, no practical necessity for urgency there (it can wait a few weeks alright); emotional matters about this relationship, especially my own emotional and psychological reactions are a far more urgent matter for me. But I'm dealing with that feeling too, I'll be okay.
As far as not knowing when he's coming back. I'm not sure how much I said about this because it seems like a misunderstanding. He does want me to travel to him and spend time with him in the other country. He's actually pushing for this right now but I need to understand some of my reactions first and need to take care of some errands too.
What complicates this, is that COVID restrictions for entry were not changed in my country for a long time. They are finally removed now, I literally checked again today and they have been removed. Last time I checked they weren't yet removed, very very recent change. It was always me who travelled to him before because of that.
So that's something I'll notify him about as he's now free to come here, but tbh the emotional side is more urgent to me now. That's pretty much the most urgent to me. And ofcourse, it has to be a complex matter, lol. (Irony lol)
Quote:
|
Being hyper focused on getting him to respond and treat you better and why he’s doing this or that is letting him define your life.
|
My focus is actually on "what's going on", not "why he's doing x". My focus is on, what "x" is even. E.g. what's abuse, what isn't abuse and exactly how. I couldn't care less about mind reading
Quote:
|
Instead better option might be to focus on why you keep pursuing him and how can you stop going what YOU doing. That would be taking life in your hands and stop making him center of your existence. Everyone on this thread told you that this is a bad relationship but your focus is still on him even though he is an abuser.
|
Yeah, I mean, I need to see fully clearly for myself how or what is bad in the relationship. I get it that the general consensus is that it looks bad but I have to understand fully for myself to be able to make use of any advice in practice. I have patience for myself with that just fine, I'm okay with that.
It's the emotions that are less patient and have more urgency to them. I really need to understand some of my emotional reactions. So I spend a lot of time on observing my reactions and getting information on them. So I would say my current focus is on that next to just basic functioning in life.
As far as what's the centre of my existence, it's achievement. No man is worth as much to me as my own sense of achievement is.
And then good relationships and family are also just as important. Independence is more preferable to dependence, too. Interdependence ofcourse being ideal.
Quote:
|
Of course you can maintain the status quo with ruminating over this man. Anonymous strangers could just advice, they can’t make you shift your focus of him. I wonder if he spends his days agonizing what you said or what you did or what could he do ti make you nicer. Do you think he is just as preoccupied with your existence as you are with his? The answer is likely no. This isn’t a healthy balanced set up.
|
I do not have a preoccupied-anxious attachment style.
Right, I don't think he spends much time on thinking about the relationship. He's expressed interest in improving things but he isn't really working on it as it is now. But I do that for myself because I think it's to my own benefit first and foremost, to see truly clearly about my relationships, now and in future.
Finally, I want to say this. I thank you for your empathetic concern about what you perceive as agonising. I like to feel more in control than that really, so I have the above-mentioned patient analysis, I understand it's observation and analysis about difficult emotions and complex situations, but that's okay by me. The goal is to get to a better place, and to remain constructive with my direction in life.