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Originally Posted by Discombobulated
Oh I see, so this person exploited your friendship but it took a while for you to see what she was doing? Are you still in touch with her?
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Yeah, for the first few years she wasn't exploiting it, but after some years she just changed.
She also blamed her new behaviours on depression and I did not have experience with depression so I didn't understand that some of her behaviours were absolutely not explained by just depression. If I had known more about that, I'd have been able to see right away that she was just trying to take advantage of me. I did always see it fine about other people before. No one ever managed to take advantage of me like that.
So yeah, it took a while to realise. No I'm no longer in touch with her. And I mention her because she did a lot of that ignoring of me whenever she felt like it, also because of taking me for granted or whenever she didn't need my help.
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Yes as Eskie says sometimes people prioritise above friendship because of valid reasons - yet they still care. I would also say some people may not have such important reasons as a sick animal or relative - they may be just generally self absorbed or badly organised, I’ve known this too, it’s just how they are and yes they may well still care. Like the article says do they show up in a crisis?
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I just don't see how being self-absorbed means they care at the same time. If you want to elaborate on it I don't mind hearing more about it. Right now I take it that you mean that they are usually focused on themselves but sometimes other feelings and motivations come up too for them i.e. when they get to focus on other people. But I don't really see that as care, more like just they feel like doing whatever, so they are not really reliable people
But that may be because of my experiences, because, I see you mention them still showing up in time of need. The article mentions most people will do that.... And that friend and my other friend did not do it when I did need it. Even tho I had put in lots for them, their crises. My other friend didn't try to exploit me so blatantly but I was there for her when she felt suicidal. Or when she had a very bad problem with a new boyfriend, or whenever she had some question and panicking about needing an answer to it.
So no they did not do what "most people do".. So that part of the article was hard to believe for me. Because they just tried to do really bad personal attacks, insults instead or just say "I don't feel like it" when I asked for their help.
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If so that may be a friendship to maintain on the periphery but not invest too much time in.
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So I know this is a different situation, but..... I was a friendship to be maintained on the periphery for them?! Because they maybe decided they didn't like me that much - even if their negativity was temporary, my other friend was like that - but why not ask for my help in time of need anyways?! And they often had that time of need for a while! And ofcourse, they would hide it if they had a problem with me!!
Just randomly ignore, block, disappear, not meet me because "no time", "not feeling like it", then when confronted enough, do personal attacks....is all they communicated to me. And ofcourse both talked or vented behind my back anyways to others who then thought worse of me. Those other people would even attack me sometimes in the end because of it. So I don't buy it's just conflict avoidance in their case!
No I mean I will definitely keep focus on this in future. If I see ANY signs of a person wanting to keep me around but just enough to not kill the whole relationship. While avoiding direct communication about why they are trying to keep a distance so carefully. This makes sense. Because I did notice the friend that was the real bad user did do that a LOT in the end. I was able to pick up on it then because it was too blatant by then. She thought she could still hide the fact from me but nah.
This is highly relevant to this thread's original question actually! So thank you for that.
Like, I get it that not everyone would want to keep me around just to take advantage of me but I've just decided that I will just not tolerate it from anyone, even people who just want the relationship "just in case" but don't try to regularly ask for help from me. I mean, even people who just want a little help sometimes and are not truly just "users". The ONLY thing I will tolerate is open communication....If they won't communicate openly, THE END. This strategy of keeping me around will NOT work, ever again.
And I will make myself less helpful, too. Just what works for me will be fine, and not more than that. As far as that, I will first have to keep in mind what I actually enjoy because I don't really keep it in mind as it is now, this friend took a lot out of me and so I keep forgetting now.
Again I know this is different from the case you were describing. But it helped anyway.
But I'll actually ask, what do you see as a crisis? And what do you want or need from your friends in a crisis?