I began today's session by filling R in about my experience of being on the interview panel. I went into more detail than I had intended, particularly about my boss's 'positive, upbeat public face' comment.
We did some breathing before moving into talking about Steve. The anger I feel towards him seems to be related to having to redefine my support system.
Although we spoke about the anger, I did not reach for the letter, seemingly leading R to believe that the anger was not in the room.
Admitting that I feel anger towards Steve is the least comfortable thing in the world. I do not want to feel this way towards someone I really admire.
R highlighted my boss's comment again. What I saw and admired was Steve's 'public face'.
'We all have one.'
We also spoke about the idea that this will never 'make sense.' If it did, R offered, 'it would be dangerous'.
There is a level of agreement that Steve made a choice, which is a relief to me. I thought on some level that I was 'wrong' for believing that. It would be so easy for me to carry on pretending that I am 'OK' with what Steve did.
It's hard not to feel like I am acting. Anger is SO uncomfortable for me, and particularly when it is at someone I care about.
We are getting closer to April, and the idea of dealing with anniversary stuff and new grief bothers me. I will try to have the conversation I needed again next week.
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin