Self destruction:
Everyone has their own way of doing it, their own self destruction technique. Some will become the alcoholic addict like my father. Some will become the drug addict like my brother, while others like myself will become the depression and anxiety addict.

A depression/anxiety addict? Yep that’s right, I mean after all isn’t a addict described as someone who realizes they have a problem but cannot do anything or worse yet enough to curb their addiction. So I believe that with that description I am an addict. Sure I may not go on day long drinking binges or perhaps I’m not even lurking on the street corners looking for a hit, but I am hurting.

The depression can last for days and days on end and the anxiety makes sure that I stay paralyzed to it as almost to say, “HA you can’t overcome it”. It ruins my sleep when I cannot sleep for days on end, when I cannot go to work because I am paralyzed by the anxiety and depression from whatever happens to trigger me that day.

What does it take to get rid of it, well okay that’s a trick question as I know I cannot actually get rid of it, but how do I make it less of a distraction so that I can continue and progress in my daily life and my overall goals and dreams. Counseling right, that is always the key it has helped but it is only a temporary fix. It seems that a week after my appointment I start slipping again and I realize it and try to think opposite of what I want to, in hopes that I can block it from dragging me slowly down like quicksand.

The self destruction comes in when it takes an amazing amount of determination and drive for me to wake up in the morning and take a shower and do the “usual” things in the morning. Or for me to pick up a tooth brush to somehow preserve this rotting mouth. But it gets to the point of why? Why should I even bother? What difference will it really make?

So I come to a crossroads if you will, continue on living this %#@&#! existence or continue to sink until someone notices and pushes me in to help. I can only bounce back so many times right? Or is this how it is going to be, one month doing great at work, going to class, making a effort to progress in this life and better myself. Or the other month were I miss work and don’t go to class for an entire month because I don’t have the motivation or focus to continue with it, or when I don’t take care of myself for weeks on end.

What does it take for anyone to see what is going on? Am I really that good at hiding it? Or are they just to afraid to confront me because they don’t know what to do either. What do I have to do in order to get the help that will be life altering? What more do I need to do. Try medications again? I don’t know why can’t I just be given a simple option a or option b don’t you think I have had my fair share of %#@&#! already or doesn’t it really matter. Hear my cry yet or should I start to scream.