Was this letter to my old T too vulnerable? She hasn’t responded yet, and even though I told her she didn’t need to, I am still kind of hoping she will because I’m starting to spiral about what she think of it. In the letter, “Ex T” is referring to the therapist I had before her who blurred boundaries.

Hi T,

I know you have probably started your maternity leave and I’m not looking for a response or anything. I just had some thoughts that came up after our last session and I wanted to send you an email. I hope that’s okay with you - again, please don’t feel any pressure to respond. I went back and forth about whether to send this, so I hope it’s okay ~

Over the years, I’ve noticed it’s sometimes hard to be vulnerable with you because you know my history - I don’t want to come across as too intense or too grateful because I am afraid it will make you worried i am putting you on the same pedestal as Ex T.

I’ve been a little sad since our last session because I felt like I had my walls up. It felt like the session went by really fast. I don’t know what I wanted to say exactly and I don’t know if there’s anything specific I want to say right now. Maybe I just wanted to acknowledge that the transition will be hard for me, but I know I can do it. I know it’s not “goodbye,” and that’s probably why I don’t know how to feel or what to say. I do feel grief going from every week to checking in every once in awhile. It’s hard not having the security of seeing you every week - and now that I am a former client who still meets with you when I’m home from school every once in a while, and you wre also going on maternity leave, I don’t really know what to expect. Like I know I can still text you every now and then, but I don’t want to bother you. I don’t know how you’ll perceive it and I don’t want to be annoying. Obviously, I want to grow and challenge myself, so I’m feeling anxious I won’t know if It’s an appropriate time to reach out or not. I hope you’ll tell me if it’s not.

I think everything I said in my letter to Kristen still feels true. I feel protective of the work we’ve done together, but I know the transition won’t break my heart. I didn’t think that was possible with a therapist. I didn’t think I could open up too someone and not grow dependent on the connection. Deep down, I know I don’t need the connection to be okay, but the thought of losing the connection still makes me sad.

I emailed this to Ex T right after she left:

“I hate myself. Utterly hate myself. I know that is a statement thrown around quite often, but it couldn’t feel more accurate in this moment. I hate myself with such passion that I have neglected eating and only brush my teeth so that other people didn’t feel disgusted around me. Disgusting. I am disgusting.”

I wanted to share it because it’s surreal to look back and remember exactly how I felt in that moment and contrast it with how I feel about my life now. Thank you for helping me make it out. You provided a space where I felt fully accepted - no judgement, no hidden agenda. I hope to be to my future clients the therapist you were to me.

Sincerely,
Me