I was thinking about how the second job could be too much for me - I don't even know what I want to do and now I have to focus on meaningless tasks which cause pain because I didn't do enough for my own self - And my pain tolerance is low (Even though I've been feeling this pain for 15 years).

I don't really like my coworkers. I left work at 1pm on my own without talking to my boss. I just wanted to leave - Cuz another new coworker keeps giving me stuff to do and she probably thinks I'm lazy - Maybe I am lazy. It's so annoying cuz she is uncoordinated and we bump into each other 50 times a day.

I just want to get work done and over with so I can enjoy myself - But I **** up doing that as well. I do everything I need to do + Have extra thoughts that are in touch with reality, what I should do - Something great idk.. I procrastinate sometimes.. People don't realize how much pain I feel. Why does everyone else not think of suicide? Is it because they fill the meaninglessness and injustice of an evil world with a gf/bf?

I drank some rum to relax when I got home. I'll start the second job next week or something.

I'm sure that my coworkers like me but I have no idea what social cues or conversation to have to anyone. I don't want to talk but I can type online pretty fine. It's a different world IRL. I'm struggling to keep up with current events, history, my own personality even. It was all wasted because of my abuse. And people don't even want to hear me say that. All I did was ****ing chores. I AM CHORES. That's who I am.

I'm going to clean the house now and then think about what I should do - I just wish I could organize everything but it never ends. It's like OCD, just intrusive thoughts, keep thinking keep thinking (Until the problem is solved) but I always have such bad memories.. Insanity.

I don't like how my dad was mean to my mom in her house when he visited. He said that he would stay in a hotel the next time he visits me. I don't know what world I live in - If my dad is right and my mom is manipulative histrionic that just cares about his money, feminist, etc... I can't ****ing deal with how this whole reality is about sex.

I don't take things too seriously and when I do, people laugh. So I should just ****ing overdose or something.

But anyways, it's all good. I think..