I wouldn't exactly call it an addiction, but my self-destructive thoughts that lead to depression, low self-esteem, poor motivation, being 'stuck', feeling helpless, ruminating on all that has gone wrong in my life instead of looking at the positive things I have, "punishing" myself for past misdeeds that I did (OD, rages, immature & irrational behaviors, etc.)--my T asked me what "payback" am I getting from all of this? What would I be doing with my life/who would I be if I were not stuck in these paralyzing non-productive thoughts?

I am on meds for bipolar, but I also need to take some responsibility for my wellness by retraining my negative thinking patterns. Not only am I going to indiv. T, but I'm starting DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) in a couple weeks & reading books-- right now "Get it Done when You're Depressed by Julie Fast & John Preston), going to support groups. I don't want to be stuck like this anymore & I certainly don't want to do another overdose (last one 1 1/2 years ago, though the desire has come back sometimes & I called suicide prevention so I think I'm at least making some progress in making better decisions).

Healthy people face their problems, fix them & move on. Through DBT I hope to reach the goal of viewing things others say & do & the things that happen to me in less EXTREME terms (I'm triggered so often now & have numerous "melt downs a month") & embrace more of a middle ground in life. My T says the DBT stresses living in the "now"--stop ruminating on the past traumas--yes, come to terms with them, but don't let them rule your present & future (by having so much anxiety). Look around--I have a wonderful committed husband who has put up with me for 34 years of marriage & even longer as we have been together since I was 15 & he was 16.

He's comforted me & helped me when I've had sucide attempts & deep depressions & always gives me hope for the future. I've got 2 wonderful children who are grown & doing well despite having had their own bouts with depression, a home, enough money, great pdoc & therapist, etc.

I get fulfillment through my volunteer work in the women's jail & in NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

If I try to concentrate on these things & try to figure out what my passion & dreams are in life, I hope to get some peace, some joy & not constantly be looking at everything through a negative filter. I'm 54 & I've still not grown up & figured out who I am--I'm an empty shell just full of pain & I'm sick of it.--Suzy