Some update about my little project too.... After I dared* to add my emotional control back into it all, I can safely say now that I've found more of myself again. And I just actually feel better having added the rational control back into it all. Like if I have a feeling that I didn't at all pay close attention to before (I ignored, quickly dismissed, etc some emotions before), I feel a lot better and it feels a lot more natural if I have my rational distance and control added "on top" of it. If that makes sense.... Yes it makes me more detached but I'm not ignoring those feelings, I keep observing them to see what they mean. I just no longer allow them to go all over the place, I no longer force myself to go into them as much as I'm at all able to. I instantly put the emotional control on top of the feeling/emotion and it does go away faster that way of course, but I do still observe it. Which eventually results in further conclusions of course. I just no longer let them get past that rational control. I no longer let them direct things. That was a disaster when I tried to allow that. I can only function right if I keep in control. But yeah I still want to observe them while keeping in control too.

I'm doing all this because I've been too burned with ignoring some of these feelings before. It worked ok until it no longer worked and I got burnt

And then there are those very bad and strong emotions and sensations (from my bad past + stress) that will come up anyway, and I do have to let those "go through" "all over" me while I do ofcourse keep that control too so it's not like I get overwhelmed by them. The point is, I try to not stop or avoid, but go through them while keeping in control.

So is this half mindfulness and half just me being me & liking control over my stuff?

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*: I dared to..... what I mean is I've been told it's not okay to have "walls" or be too "distant" or "not vulnerable enough" and whatnot. So I tried to change myself into this more emotionally open person, more open inside myself and to others, but that wasn't working. Finding myself again, makes me feel much better and I function better. My trying to not have "walls" and whatnot, it resulted in me not functioning at all. Overemotional (even if I didn't show it) and overly negative and taking to heart way too much whatever others would say or do. This just wasn't helping anyone lol

So it was very helpful for me to realise that I'm fine the way I am, and I already have my way of dealing with emotions and that I do not have to fundamentally change that. Even if some people don't like the way I deal with emotions, it works for me and it actually helps others too.

So yeah, I dared to go back to how I actually do things naturally. ....