My Support Forums - View Single Post - Bipolar check-in #64

*Beth* · 08:43 PM

I'm not having a bad day, it's just that I had a bad...flashback ?? Dissociation ?? I guess. Ugh, I have to try to recall how to do the trigger thing.

Okay, I can't find it on google or on this forum. So I'll just say that the following contains a memory of mine that could be triggering to others. So please don't read this if you're going to be triggered. (It's about abuse.)

Possible trigger:

When I was 14 my mom had to have surgery to replace her aortic heart valve. It was a new type of surgery back then, so she was in the hospital for a month I had to stay at home with my step-father, who was an extremely violent person (and alcoholic) and had been sexually abusing me for 3 years, since I was 11. The thing was, it was in April when my mom was in the hospital that time. I don't remember the date, only that it was April. I would wear really tight Levi's so he couldn't get his hand in them. But that day, it was in the late afternoon, he was really fighting me. I was really fighting him. I remember seeing his hand on my belt, trying to undo it. The long hallway was in front of me, the few stairs going down to the living room were to my left. The foyer to the front door was to my right. The dining room was slightly to the right and behind me, but I was stuck and couldn't move away from this small part of wall that was directly behind me. I don't know. I won't continue because I really don't want to freak anybody out, but you get the general idea. Sexual abuse.

It's just that all of a sudden I remembered that today. I remembered how I'd take off and roller skate around the city, all over the place, especially downtown. I felt so free on my skates.

I looked in the mirror, and here I am 59 years old. Honestly, I don't look that old, but I am that age. Yet, I felt like I was that girl for a while. I was remembering that constant feeling of wanting to escape my life at home. Luckily, I loved being in high school. So that part was good.

Yuck. I wish I would not have thought of all this stuff. *shiver* btw, he's dead. Thank God.

Thanks for listening.